LOLviathan
by nagato chinatsu
Summary: Bring out your prompts! -ding- Bring out your prompts!   Also, stuff I write.
1. Chapter 1

I am sooo sorry I haven't updated in forever. I would love to write up your requests. Just please, no vagueness (WAR!1!) or impossible-ness (ALEK AND VOLGER GO TO THE MOON...)

And it's sort. Sorry...

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1. This is Sparta  
>Someone is playing a bagpipe. Badly. A sheep is being roasted on a spit, and the men are wearing knee length skirts. Many people are drunk. A scuffle breaks out when someone loses a bit of spare change. The accents are impossible to understand. More bagpipers join in.<br>"This is madness," Alek mutters.  
>"This! Is! Scotlaaaaand!"<br>.

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>2. Nyan Cat<br>"I need you to feed the Nutritional Yet Aeronautic Navy feline, Mr. Sharp."  
>"You mean the NYAN cat, ma'am?"<br>"Call it what you will."  
>"I've never seen it in action."<br>"Here, let me show you."  
>"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyaa nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan-"<br>"Does it ever stop?"  
>.<p>

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>3. Leeroy Jenkins<br>"Be quiet, creature, the Germans will hear you!"  
>Bovril nodded and burrowed into Alek's jacket. The first night in Istanbul, and already surrounded. He silently raised his revolver, hand shaking. Don't make a sound, he told himself. Before he could shoot, someone sneaked up behind him and yelled, alerting the Germans!<br>**"Liliiiiiiiiiiiit... ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVEN!"**  
>.<p>

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>4. The Most Interesting Man In The World<br>"You know, I don't always talk to girls, but when I do, I talk to gorgeous ones like you."  
>"Please go away, Jaspert."<br>"I don't always buy a girl a drink, but when I do, I buy her Don Equis."  
>"I told you, I have a boyfriend."<br>"I don't always get punched in the face by an angry man, but when I do-"  
>"You get punched by Andy, here."<br>"Exactly."  
>.<p>

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>5. The Cake Is A Lie<br>Deryn hummed throughout her chores. She whistled while she walked Tazza. She smiled when she mopped the halls.  
>"Why are you happy all of a sudden?" asked Alek.<br>"Doctor Barlow told me that, if I did extra work today, she'd give me a scone! A real proper scone, with cream, too."  
>"Dylan," he said, "The scone is a lie."<br>.

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>6. Rick Rolled<br>Doctor Barlow waited impatiently for the telegram. This would be an important transmission from Japan. In fact, it could greatly impact foreign policy. Suddenly, she heard the clicks and beeps. She spelled out what she heard.  
>"N-E-V-E-R-G-O-N-N-A-G-I-V-E-Y-O-U-U-P. Stop. N-E-V-E-R-G-O-N-N-A-L-E-T-Y-O-U-D-O-W-N... Oh, blast it!"<br>.

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>7. Numa Numa<br>"Man, Scott Westerfeld wrote us in as extras."  
>"Tell me about it. The two Romanian dudes in Samheran. That's all the recognition we got. Oh, and Zaven dissed us in German."<br>"Hey, not cool. Thank God no one knows any Romanian sterotypes, or we'd be stuck with them."  
>"Transylvania's in Romania. So, yeah."<br>"Really? I never knew that."  
>"Dude, I though you were from there!"<br>"Naw, I'm from Budapest. You know what else is Romanian? That song Dragostea Din Tei!"  
>"Jeez, Vladmir, just call it Numa Numa like everyone else. I always thought that was Swedish, though."<br>"You know who probably doesn't know the real name?"  
>"Scott freaking Westerfeld."<br>"Damn straight."  
>.<p>

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>8. AYBABTU<br>Captain Hobbes grinned in victory. The battle was nearly won.  
>"Send a telegram to the Germans."<br>"Yes, sir! What should it say?"  
>He thought for a second.<br>"All your base are belong to us."  
>.<p>

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>9. Anti- Joke Chicken<br>"Alek, I heard a good joke! So Charles Darwin walks into a bar, and-"  
>"Alcoholism isn't funny, Dylan."<br>"Fine. So, a Russian, an Englishman, and a Japanese bloke go on a kraken and-"  
>"It's good that they can get along."<br>"Knock, knock!"  
>"Come in."<br>.

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>10. Yo Dawg<br>"Alek?" said Doctor Barlow. "I heard you like spoilers. So we put a spoiler on your spoiler so you can pilot your walker while Dylan is a girl."  
>In the stunned silence, she added, "And we heard you like mudkips."<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

I assure you, I am still not Scott Westerfeld, and I own nothing. Also, I apologize if I seem to make any moronic spelling errors, it's because I type like a dainty little fairy and sometimes don't press hard enough on the keys. I would still like your requests! This is a parody of Leviathan fanfic. Please don't be offended, people. I didn't base this on any specific story. You gets internetz if you get the My Immortal references.

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Aleksandar Hohenburg Ferdinand Hapsburg, or whatever the hell his name was, tried his hardest not to look at Dylan Sharp, the devilishly handsome and feminine midshipman. Dylan was so godswoundsed attractive! But no, he was not a homosexual. _That's a fancy, old-ish sounding word for "gay," right?_ he asked himself.

Just then, Dylan looked up. Sparkling emerald eyes met sparkling... blue-ish eyes.

"Is there something... that you want to say to me?" Dylan said in a strange voice. Or maybe it was the Glaswegian accent.

"Just that... just that... s'agapo!" They both stared uncomprehendingly. The author searched through her web history.

"Sorry! Sorry, you two. Greek is right next to German on Google Translate. He said, 'I l-" Before she could finish, she was cut off by some door or whatever opening.

It was Andrew Skywalker Cullen Rebecca Black Nemo Beth-Israel Newkirk.

"Were you two about to kiss?" he asked.

"Ninny twisted barking!"

"What are you talking about, Dylan?"

"Daft cracked spiders bloody!"

Suddenly, Alek kissed Dylan. The sheer intensity of his kiss melted her shirt off, leaving her only in her Spanx.

"Y-you're a girl? So I'm not g- _homosexual_ after all!"

"Dummkopf knickers squick!"

And then, Volger aslo came in. "WHY DID YOU DO SUCH A THING, YOU MEDIOCRE DUNCES!"

"How did you know we kissed?" asked Alek angrily.

"I hath telekinesis!"

And then the author started giggling, and she fetched herself more coffee.

"Why does everyone have a girlfriend except for me?" asked A.S.C.R.B.N.B-I. Newkirk.

"Because no one likes you. Go have a loner party with Neville Longbottom."

"Lass keen barking!"

"S'agapo too, Dylan. S'agapo too."


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing. Titanic Leviathan because it was requested. They would have been thirteen in 1912, so let's just say this is AU. I'll get to other requests.

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_"Aleksandar was the heir to an empire, being forced to marry a rich revolutionary..."_

"But why am I going to America? What on earth is the point in me going there? And what was that about a marriage?"

_"Shut up. Deryn was a poor Scottish girl, disguised as a boy so she could work on the Kraken 'Titanic...'"_

_"_Who are you calling 'poor?' Scott-la said we were upper-middle class, thank you very much!"

_"Alek discovered her secret, and they quickly fell in love. But society kept them apart..."_

"Haha, society? You think Alek and I could give a damn about society? I wear pants!"

_"Stop interrupting! Let me finish the stupid trailer!"_

"God's wounds, what is that song? It's awful! And it's been stuck in my head for days!"

"_Shut up! Shut up, Alek, you die! Okay? You frickin' DIE! So don't boss me around."_

_"_It wasn't very nice of you to spoil the ending."

"_ROLL THE STOCK QUOTES!"_

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Alek is standing at the bow. "I'm the archduke of the world!"

Deryn is in a Huxley. "Where to, Alek?" "To the stars." "That's daft." "Is this the part where we lose our virginity?" "In a Huxley? Are you cracked in the attic?"

Alek is unbuttoning his shirt. "Deryn, sketch me like one of your English boys. Wearing these goggles." "Aye..." "Wearing_ only_ these goggles."

Alek and Lilit are looking up at the Titanic. "I don't see what the fuss is about. It doesn't look much bigger than the _Behemoth._"

Alek and Deryn are ascending in a Huxley. "Do you trust me?" "I trust you." "Open your eyes." "AAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Alek and Deryn are in the waters of the Atlantic. "Never let go, Deryn." "Aye, Alek!" "No, literally. Don't let me fall in the water, I can't swim."

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And in conclusion.

_"YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU'RE HEEEEEEEEERRRREEE, THERE'S NOOOOOOOTHIIING TO FEEEEAAAR!"_

"She's pretty good, for a disembodied voice."

"A little pitchy."


	4. Chapter 4

Hey, guys. I'm still taking requests, unless they're stupid or I am lazy. So... Enjoy this chapter, anyway. It's more memes. I own nothing. If you havn't seen Llamas With Hats, I highly recommend it. You will spend the rest of the week going, "Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl!" And guess what? Alek's evil uncle was named Karl!

If you think about it, "pocket monsters" are messed up. And do they eat them? What exactly is Brock's curry made of? _Does he have to kill and butcher a pidgey?_ Hope I didn't just ruin your childhood. And I would just like to ask: is it normal to still know the entire original theme song, and be able to play it on your guitar?

And it's short. Sorry.

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1. Llamas With Hats

"Doctor Barlow!" called the message lizard in the voice of Doctor Erasmus. "There's a problem with the carnivorous llamas." Nora swore under her breath.

"I'll be right down. End message." The lizard scurried away, and she hurriedly jammed her hat on her head, jogging off to the cargo bay. These llamas were... a challenge, to say the least. It had been difficult to engineer them, though they ought to make up for it in military application. If she had done a good job, the llamas ought to be able to devour row after row of infantry, while having more endurance and handling terrain better than a horse.

Nora pushed open the door to find the llamas placidly standing there, blinking their long eyelashes innocently. A good distance away, the young prince was staring angrily, while Mr. Sharp and the loris were both doubled over with laughter. Doctor Erasmus was wringing his spindly hands.

"The grey specimen seem to be showing signs of aggression. The middy and this young man here were trying to feed them, and-"

"Your godless creature tried to bite my hands off! I tried to give him a carrot, and he lunged at me!" Alek burst out.

"He was probably hungry," said Nora cooly. "They _are_ trained to aim for the hands, to disable the enemy." At this, the prince muttered a curse to all godless Darwinists under his breath in German. She pretended not to notice.

"And their behavior is... Rather off. The grey specimen is unusually vicious, while the brown one is unusually reserved," observed her colleague.

"I like Paul," Dylan said happily. "He let me stroke his neck." At this, Nora made a noise of exasperation.

"_What have I told you,"_ she said, every syllable shaking with cold fury, "_about naming the animals?_" The middy had the dignity to look properly ashamed of himself.

"Sorry, but..." He smiled crookedly. "He _looks_ like a Paul, doesn't he?"

"Please tell me you didn't name-"

"-Carl!' exclaimed the loris happily, pointing to the grey llama. She could have stomped her foot, she really could have! Looking closer, she noticed red, peeling skin on the tops of their heads.

"Unusually susceptible to sun, I see," Nora said, glancing at the ultraviolet lamp that simulated sunlight in the animal section of the bay.

"What should we do?" asked Erasmus.

"I'll be right back." A few minutes later, she returned with a wooly hat taken from Mr. Newkirk and her oldest, least fashionable sunhat.

"You _can't_ be serious!" Dylan grinned. "That'll look ridiculous!" Aleksandar smiled a bit, and even Doctor Erasmus let out a nervous laugh.

"It's this or sun poisoning," she said, fixing them with a withering look.

"And that," Carl finished, "Is how my great-great-grandfather received this hat."

"I don't believe you, Carl. That's absolutely ridiculous."

"Then the hot doctor lady tried to keep him in a pen. For that, she was sorry. They _all_ were sorry."

"Caaaaarl, what did he do?"

"All I'll say is it starts with an F and ends with an Ire, Absolutely Everywhere."

_"Caaaaaaarl!" _

_"_Are you insulting my heritage? _He was a war hero._ To the Germans."

"Oh my God, that's awful."

"The kaiser disagreed."

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2. Pokemon

"Beg your pardon, ma'am, but what are we doing here anyway? It looks like an... unsavory neighborhood," Dylan whispered as they navigated the crowded streets of the Tokyo slum.

"Shutting down a fab fighting league."

"Isn't that the responsibility of the police?"

"It would be, if they weren't hopelessly corrupt in these parts." Nora carefully avoided the animal waste in the gutter, lifting her skirts as far as modesty would allow.

"Still, you can't just command them to stop."

"Watch me," she snapped. "The crew-" -which she was not a part of- "-Has the protection of the emperor himself. "These men call themselves pokemon trainers, though _slavers_ would be a more appropriate word. Do you see what I'm holding in my hand, here?" She waggled the red and white sphere.

"A capsule of some sort?"

"An enclosure!"

"That's- that's terrible!" gasped the midshipman.

"Indeed. And the trainers are forced to begin in the arena at the tender age of ten."

"What happens if they lose?"

"They must pay an exorbitant sum." Nora clenched her fist, disgusted. One day she would bring this barbaric "pokemon league" down.


	5. Chapter 5

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE BONUS CHAPTER ON WESTERBLOG? This is something of a continuation. Go read that, and come back.

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"I am starting to doubt that bringing the champagne was a good idea," said Alek, gripping a nearby coatrack for balance.

"Nonsense," said Deryn. "The champagne was a damn fine idea. It's your own fault if you got drunk."

"I'm not!" he protested.

"I have actually learned some lessons from the disaster you would call my family, and one is that you only say you're not drunk if you are." She refilled her glass, and stared at the content in slight distaste. "You're going to be really miserable tomorrow."

"Well, you've never-" He remembered who he was talking to. "Oh. You probably have, haven't you?"

"Aye. It was awful. But that's a long and embarrassing story. I would love to see you walk in those shoes, now," she giggled.

Alek glared at her, but could not contain a bit of laughter. He was in a dress, drinking with a Darwinist girl who dressed as a boy, in a coatroom of the Zoological Society. That was _funny._

"Fine." He carefully put one foot in front of the other, never breaking eye contact. Deryn gave a sympathetic smile, and put an arm around him.

"You're weaving like a cabbie in a hurry."

"No, I am not. I'm just not used to these awful shoes."

"Neither am I," she said, rubbing at her stocking feet. "And you've never worn a corset! _That's_ awful, that is! Speaking of that, this dress is really too tight."

"I think it looks nice," Alek muttered, sitting on the ground.

"You would," said Deryn darkly, joining him on the carpet.

"What do you mean by that?" he said as she took a sip of her champagne.

"Well, you know... It's a squick more feminine than trousers." She glanced down at herself. "And a little low, isn't it?"

Alek instantly felt the blood rush into his cheeks. "It looks nice- I mean, 'It's nice in that it's not too low cut,' not like it's nice because it's low cut, because that is-"

"You never could lie well, could you?"

"Um."

"What time is it, anyway?" she asked, taking off her hat and ruffling her hair, which he suddenly wanted very much to touch.

"Practically the new year. It's good you thought to check; we could've missed it."

"Aye," she said, staring intently at his pocket watch. "Seven... six... five... four..."

"Three... two... one! Happy New-" he began, but Deryn cut him off with a kiss. His hands, on their own accord, wrapped themselves in her silky hair, and Deryn laced her hands at the small of his back. Kissing Deryn was quite possibly his favorite thing to do.

"Prosit Neujahr, Aleksandar," she said, a touch breathlessly.

"Thanks," he said unsteadily, realizing that she was undoing the clasp at the back of her dress. "Er... Maybe you shouldn't-" They both stopped dead at the sound of a key in the lock.

"Window!" hissed Deryn. "And leave that stupid bustle; it won't fit!" They both scrambled out the window into the courtyard. Alek was grateful that they were on the ground floor.

"We can't just leave it there!" said Alek, the cold air already sobering him up a bit.

"I'll get it," she said, casually rehooking her dress before Alek got a good view of her camisole.

A few seconds later, she reemerged, holding the bustle, hysterically shaking with silent laughter. "You'll _never guess_ who's snogging in there."

"Who?"

"The boffin and the count!"

"_No!_"

"_Aye!"_

"Are you joking?"

"No, I'm not!"

"Wait. Just to be sure. Snogging is kissing, isn't it?"

"What did you think it meant- no, don't answer. I know. Is it really true, that lads think of that every seven seconds?"

"_No._" If blushing was lethal, Alek was fairly sure that he would be dead by now.


	6. Chapter 6

Heeeey Merry Christmas from an atheist Jew! Sorry that this is quite short.

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I read the following quote on Grouchy Rabbit the other day:

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"Every time a girl gets a boyfriend, an older brother gets a Nerf gun."

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Jaspert keeps rubbing at the hilt of his pocketknife. It's not like he wants to stab this bloke or anything, but- oh, who is he kidding. He really wants to stab, maybe maim him.

Honestly, he's downright eerie, this lad. Not smiling, not laughing, not joking. Not even fidgeting like a proper teenager. Basically, not doing any of the things Jas likes in a person. It's been several agonizing hours, that Deryn and the boy have been talking with him about their wartime experiences, and he still hasn't laughed properly, not even once. Maybe he's scared of him. Jaspert would actually really like that.

He also hates the boy's stupid smug face.

Several times, during Deryn's nonstop storytelling, he's actually had to physically restrain himself from jumping up and sucker-punching him. Like the part about the storm on the spine, or the injury in Mexico, or when Alek killed Tesla to save Deryn. Any time he hears about any interaction between them that could go beyond "cordial," his grip on the knife involuntarily tightens.

He thinks he might be going mental. He hasn't got anything against the boy (apart from his stupid smug face). He just wants him to never, ever, speak to Deryn again. And if he died in a tragic, knife-related incident, well... It wouldn't be the end of the world, follow?

Deryn gets up to make tea, and as soon as the door is closed, he's on his feet.

"Hey, you. Fritz? Hans? I forgot your stupid name."

"Aleksandar," says the boy, also standing. He subconsciously settles into this daft stance that makes him look a bit like a teapot.  
>A teapot with a stupid, smug face.<p>

"Alex. Fine, whatever. Listen up. I'm only going to say this once. If you ever hurt her-"

"I won't-"

"If you ever hurt her, I swear on me father's grave that I will kill you, I will kill you with my granddad's knife, do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Good. That is not a promise I make lightly."

Alex looked both indignant and positively terrified.

"Treat her right, aye?"

"Of course," he said, sounding a little insulted.

"Good," Jasper mumbled. "That's good." He puts his knife away, though he doesn't remember taking it out. "She's my baby sister, y'know."

"Yes," says Alex, now looking merely uncomfortable.

"Gotta take care of her. So, treat her right, aye, Sandy?"

At this, the boy looks a little confused, and is clearly thinking about sand. Then he figures it out.

"It's... a nickname?"

"You only get to keep it if you're a real gentleman."

"I will be."

"Remember. Knife. You. Dead. Thought I was kidding. I wasn't."

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SILENCE! JASPERT KEELL YOU!


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